Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
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This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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