i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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