i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize