i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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