ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
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You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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