I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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