I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just had sex on a roof
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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