We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
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I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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