You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
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Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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