he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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