Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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