From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
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So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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