I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
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She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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