you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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