When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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