My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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