Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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