But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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