she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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