I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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