He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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