My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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