The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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