Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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