New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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