Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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