"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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