just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He shit in the fireplace
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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