you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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