Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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