listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
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What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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