Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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