I'm gonna have a badass scar
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
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Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
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You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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