If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize