My cat gives me a boner
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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