So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
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I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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