You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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