sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
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She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
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My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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