he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
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It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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