Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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