im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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