Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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