i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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