thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
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I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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