I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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