Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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