I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize