Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
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I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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