So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize