I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
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Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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